she looked like the bat from fern gully.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
