you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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