Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
