He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
