i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
