I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
