Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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