Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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