I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
