he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
