he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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