Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
