: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
