I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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