I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
