I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
