He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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