im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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