my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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