There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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