this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
