there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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