So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
