so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
