I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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