I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
