She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
