I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
