Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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