we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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