does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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