Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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