May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
