I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
