I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize