I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize