i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
