The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
