Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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