What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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