there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
