I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
