chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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