I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
A+ Viking dick
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
