so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
