I wish life had little blips of pornography
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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