hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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