Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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