Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
