my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize