i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
