I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
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