Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i believe in u and ur pee
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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