I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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