I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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