Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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