My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
