I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
