My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
A+ Viking dick
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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