im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
